December 16, 2005

On that day everything I knew and loved came to a screeching halt.  That was the day that my late-husband was diagnosed with inoperable metastatic lung cancer.  We were given the prognosis of 6 – 8 months.  I don’t know how I knew, but I just did.  I knew when the doctors came in that the news was going to be this bad.  Of course the frantic calls were made to family and friends asking, no pleading for prayers for us.  Nothing short of a miracle could fix this.

This journey (which I will detail sometime) lasted just 8 weeks – not 8 months.  But in 8 short weeks, I learned to rely totally on God as my strength.  I had no choice.  I was alone 1000 miles from my nearest family member.  With no help except occasional help from friends, I had to do it all.  I don’t know where the superhuman strength and fortitude came from…, but when I needed it, it was there. 

I remember taking short breaks from the hospital room (where we spent 6 of the 8 weeks).  I would pace the parking lot across the street from the hospital.  I would cry and yell and pray and then cry and yell some more.

The crying and yelling accomplished nothing.  The prayers though…  Well God heard my prayers.

My prayer during those 8 weeks was:  “Lord, if it is Your will… please heal him and restore him back to full health.  But Lord if you are not going to heal him on this side of Heaven, then Lord…  let him die without pain.”  I asked many family members and friends to agree with me on that prayer.  Most thought I was so very wrong.  The told me I was not trusting God.  I didn’t have enough faith to believe that God would heal my husband.  I needed to pray only for healing and I should expect it to happen.  I was told that expecting anything short of a total miracle would be making a mockery of the magnitutude of God’ abilities.  I let them think and say what they needed to say.  I let them pray what they needed to pray.  I however, prayed what I needed to pray.

What I found when I prayed that prayer was peace in my heart.  Sure, I wanted my husband healed and restored back to me.  But what if that wasn’t God’s plan?  Well it wasn’t God’s plan that my husband be healed annd I’m okay with that.  As for the change in perspective…  Well when I took me out of the equation and what my demands were and just changed how I perceived the circumstances.  I found that God heard me.  He heard my prayers to not allow my husband to be in uncontrollable and unmanageable pain as his death approached.  Nope…  God in His Wisdom… well He knew that He was going to be taking my husband home.  He knew that I could not handle it all both physically and emotionally, so He did 2 things.  First, a very large tumor formed on my husbands spine.  This tumor caused him to become paralyzed 2 weeks after he was diagnosed – hence, no pain.  And second, well God didn’t listen to the doctors about the 6 – 8 months.  No, he took my husband home after just 8 weeks.  So while it wasn’t alright with me that my huband died and I was left a widow…  I learned from those days, that it’s not about me.  It’s not about what I want.  It’s what God had planned for my life.  I just need to shift my perspective a bit to see it.